Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Stuck in the real world (or getting caught in comfort eating)

I have fucked up BIG STYLE!!!! past couple of moths i have binged binged binged binged on everything i could get my hands on. i reckon i've but on at least a stone and a half but dont know for certain because i havnt been to the gym because i am a fat slob! i havnt purged nearly enough ad this weekend alone i have allowed my self to sit and have two takeaway pizzas with garlic bread and other side orders even tho i knew i would npot be able to purge with my boyfriend there! a yet i still ate it. and ate more. and just binged rite in front off him and he couldnt even notice the tears that were sitting on the edge of my eyes! i have given up on everything i was working so hard to do! i hate the bulimia! i hate it so much! and today i feel so ill because of all the food i've eaten! i feel like my stomach is going to explode. its in agony! yet i've been eating through the pain! i feel like its going to rupture! all i want to do now is run and run and run then come home and binge and purge until i can no longer stand it! but at the same time i dont want to eat anything at all! i dont know what to frggin do! i feel so pathetic and useless! and fat failure! all the clothes i was starting to fit into again aregetting tighter! ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THAT WAY!! i should have been halfway to my goal by now but i'm nearly back at square one!and i know i could sit here and blame a million people but its my fault! i'm the weak one! i feekl like going back toward alcoholism because at least then i was to drunk to eat! to care!
i feel like a wreck i want to just tear myself apart! i want to cut out the fat! i want it gone! i feel like i'm going to break something i'm that heavy everytime i sit down or walk! i want my WILLPOWER back! i want to feel empty and light a beautiful! how could i let myself go back like this without even trying! a plateau sure that i can deal with even tho it hurts but THIS!! THIS IS TERRIBLE!

why cant i just be strong enough!!
                                        i'm a fucking loser! god damit i hate my head!