Stuck in the real world (or getting caught in comfort eating)

I have fucked up BIG STYLE!!!! past couple of moths i have binged binged binged binged on everything i could get my hands on. i reckon i've but on at least a stone and a half but dont know for certain because i havnt been to the gym because i am a fat slob! i havnt purged nearly enough ad this weekend alone i have allowed my self to sit and have two takeaway pizzas with garlic bread and other side orders even tho i knew i would npot be able to purge with my boyfriend there! a yet i still ate it. and ate more. and just binged rite in front off him and he couldnt even notice the tears that were sitting on the edge of my eyes! i have given up on everything i was working so hard to do! i hate the bulimia! i hate it so much! and today i feel so ill because of all the food i've eaten! i feel like my stomach is going to explode. its in agony! yet i've been eating through the pain! i feel like its going to rupture! all i want to do now is run and run and run then come home and binge and purge until i can no longer stand it! but at the same time i dont want to eat anything at all! i dont know what to frggin do! i feel so pathetic and useless! and fat failure! all the clothes i was starting to fit into again aregetting tighter! ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THAT WAY!! i should have been halfway to my goal by now but i'm nearly back at square one!and i know i could sit here and blame a million people but its my fault! i'm the weak one! i feekl like going back toward alcoholism because at least then i was to drunk to eat! to care!

i feel like a wreck i want to just tear myself apart! i want to cut out the fat! i want it gone! i feel like i'm going to break something i'm that heavy everytime i sit down or walk! i want my WILLPOWER back! i want to feel empty and light a beautiful! how could i let myself go back like this without even trying! a plateau sure that i can deal with even tho it hurts but THIS!! THIS IS TERRIBLE!

why cant i just be strong enough!!

                                        i'm a fucking loser! god damit i hate my head!

what a fatty!

can i rant here? i think i'm going to rant! because you see i dont understand why its so fuckin hard for me to lose this god awful fat. i no my bmi is in the normal range and i know i fit into the average size 10-12 uk! but for christ sake every time i look in that mirror all i see is fat fat fat and the scales are not going down!
and its all thanks to my fuckin binging! i NEVER really go over 1000 calories on weekdays unless its a VERY VERY BAD BINGE DAY! infact half the time i never even go over 500 cals! apart from the occasional mega binge of 3000 - 4000 calories most of my disgusting fatty binges are around 1000-2000! i gym for around 1.5 hours 4-5 days a week i always walk extra far. i obsses obsses obsses constantly over food.
and then i remebered! I'M A FRIGGIN WINO!

yup. thats all ther is too it! i drink. i drink alot!
when i was close to alcoholism i was still skinny. because i didnt eat a thing and i didnt have this stupid bulimia crap to deal with! and nobody confronted me cus i was always too drunk!
but now. well now i eat and drink!
and this is my downfall!
i can control what i eat! (or i could until this stupid binge purge thing happened) but even after all i've been through i STILL cant control my drink!
i thought i was better just because i wasnt necking down a litre of vodka and/or gin every day but i still make up for it in other ways! now its wine. endless streams of empty calorific wine!
just like my mother!
and so this may not be why i';m fat. but heck its one of the big factors!
i need to STOP this addiction with alcohol and i need top STOP the binging. i need to become what i once was. skinny, happy and in control! i never used to stray beyond 800cals drinks included! most days i barley ate 200! and i was so in control and never tempted!

and now look at me. a fat ugly cow who just binges on what she likes then has to force herself to throw up! i only fast and restrict so well because of all the guilt afterwards and force myself to excercise because i need to burn off the fat guilt! but it will never help! i'll only gain! and the sadder it makes me the more i'll drink to try and drown it out!
my too vicious cycles!
binge and purge
hate and drink

fuck!
it also doesnt help that i just found out my happy 200 cal dinner turns out to be more like 400cals because i cant even fuckin read the labels right! too good to be true i knew it! so that makes todays scoffings around 650calories. what a fuckin hefty fat lump of unecessary calories. i wasnt even hungry i was just eating for appearences! and now i'm drinking again!

what a fuckin loser!
this is all i am:

FAT

FAT!!

FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!