eating out

the crapest of all crap things tomorrow i have to go out for lunch with my gran. and not just like sandwhich lunch but pub lunch. lunch lunch. which often means BIG lunch :( this basically puts a stick up the arse of all my plans :( what a load of crap! i love spending time with my grans but they always go to places with stuff like fish n chips or pie on the menu and where the idea of a salad is some old bagged stuff and couple of slices of cucumber and something that looks like onion but isnt! gargh!!!! balls balls balls!
i'm so friggin anxious right now. all i wanna do is comfort binge but i cant 1) because i couldnt face myself after that and would just break down more and mainly 2) i cant purge at this time of night or will be caught!
soooooooo i'm trying to take away the munchies with a bag of popcorn some green tea and am going to do a salt water flush in a mo! i am gonna work my butt off at the gym tomorrow! its so friggin irritating tho cus my stupid dislocating kness are aching like fuk! and runnings real bad for them.... but i know i'll still run through the pain because i desperatley need to lose this fat! good knews tho! finally started dropping weight again so *fingers crossed* it will keep going and i'm past this plateau!
hopefully i can keep up this no-binging thing going till my councilling sesh thursday at least so my councillor wont be on my case about it again and i can try and brush it all off. i regret ever saying it to her because now i'll be under loads guilt pressure and therapy to try and stop all this when actually i dont really want to stop.

i like not eating! it makes me feel empty and pure and clean inside. i like losing weight because it makes me feel good and i think i deserve that after a lifetime of shit! food is the enemy and i'm fed up of people telling me i have to stuff my face to stay healthy and alive! NO i dont!  i can still eat under the piggish amount of calories suggested and stay healthy and fit without stuffing my face with endless carbs and dairy!
yet the binging and purging! that just goes against all my wants and beliefs! its a crutch. but i cant let them take away my purging or else how could i live with my fat self????
i cant fuckin weight till i've moved out i'll have so much more control!
all of my sicknesses. they make me who i am. they shape me and control me! they ARE me! I CANNOT LET GO OF THEM.
gargh stress stress bloody stress.

today hasnt been too bad on the food front tho! have eaten:
milky tea: 25cals
small bowl of cereal with skimmed milk: 100cals
1 1/2 oat cakes: 52.5cals
weird mash thing: 90cals
quorn steak: 107cals
small handful of dried banana: 45cals
lightly salted popcorn: 48cals
                     total: 467.5 

at the gym. burned:
crosstrainer 10mins: 100cals
bike 7.5mins: 50cals
treadmill 63mins: 600cals
steppy thingy ma bob 5mins: 25cals
situps/ tonning amnd such: 100cals
                       total burned: 938cals < quite pleased with this! will try and do some elastic band excersices tonight also!

well now i'm off to drink some revolting salty water all for the sake of being thin!
its a fucked up life aint it!

fresh start!

everything feels like its going tits up atm!
i am not losing. in fact i have gaines 2lbs and i am not happy. i've lost an inch of the hips tho and have managed to fit back into an old pair of size 10 shorts! yippee all was well and good, i even died my hair to celebrate (Blonde with purple fringe!) yet today when i was bouncing to the gym feeling positive and pro week of little eating i stepped on those god damn fuckin scales :(

what a fuckin dissapointment. this is bad. i'm doin everything i can to lose weight. restrict and excersise and yes i've picked up the nasty bulimic habit but i'm tryin to get a hold of it and havnt been doing to bad. its my weekends when i binge the most thanks to my bf! he doesnt really eat properly or cook so its all ways take-aways or endless amounts of cooked breakfast courtesy of his flat mate. eurgh its horrible but if i totally refused he'd be on my case so i have to eat and then i lose all control or belief in myself and BINGE LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA! its disgusts me. and its EVERY! weekend.
i wouldnt mind eating with him at weekends if only it was more healthy. i can manage too days of maybe a few extra calories if i can stay very good the rest of the week. i know that if i can pin this i may see some results again.
so i've decided to try and find some yummy tea-time recipies which make a good meal for him but are still sneakily low cal enough for me and i can just eat half! it would be so much better!

i've been really good tho i havnt purged in about 4 days which has helped m,y throat heal a lot after my last sesh and have decided to make monday the start of better restricting and better weekends and a time to stump this bulimia baby before it actually gets out of hand! (i;m positive now but in truth its going to be a vicious battle against my depression and willpower!)

so far today i've had:

milky tea: 25cals

3 oat cakes: 105cals

bag of lightly salted popcorn: 48cals

vanilla yoghurt: 98cals

egg white salad with extra light french dressing: 100cals

frozen banana and yoghurt snack pot: 60cals

 total: 436 cals!

tonight at the most i'll probably have my selection of herbal teas: valarium (for sleep)

                                                                                                 green tea (for digestion)

                                                                                                 peppermint (because its yummy ^.^)

and maybe 2 oatcakes to nibble on which would bring my final total to 506cals.

i'd have preffered less but by eating these small meals/snack likes this throughout the day its made avoiding a binge a lot easier! instead of concentrating on the urge to binge i can satisfy my feelings with a small snack which i know wont have a massive impact on my total daily intake! i'm gonna try things like this for this week then jump on a soup and liquid fast next week if all goes well (i alternate fast days with soup only days)

went to gym today and ran through some awful gut pain but its all worth it! managed to burn
10mins cross trainer: 100cals
30mins treadmill: 300cals
situps: 40cals
toning: 25cals

so after my big rant and panicy wailing i will leave now to try and finish some art work for tomorrow and watch peep show :) (luckily i've got the morning of so ya morning walk!)

heres some arty pics people have done to express bulimia i use them as wallpapers and stuff to remind me just what i'll have to put  myself through if i give in to the binge!

what a fatty!

can i rant here? i think i'm going to rant! because you see i dont understand why its so fuckin hard for me to lose this god awful fat. i no my bmi is in the normal range and i know i fit into the average size 10-12 uk! but for christ sake every time i look in that mirror all i see is fat fat fat and the scales are not going down!
and its all thanks to my fuckin binging! i NEVER really go over 1000 calories on weekdays unless its a VERY VERY BAD BINGE DAY! infact half the time i never even go over 500 cals! apart from the occasional mega binge of 3000 - 4000 calories most of my disgusting fatty binges are around 1000-2000! i gym for around 1.5 hours 4-5 days a week i always walk extra far. i obsses obsses obsses constantly over food.
and then i remebered! I'M A FRIGGIN WINO!

yup. thats all ther is too it! i drink. i drink alot!
when i was close to alcoholism i was still skinny. because i didnt eat a thing and i didnt have this stupid bulimia crap to deal with! and nobody confronted me cus i was always too drunk!
but now. well now i eat and drink!
and this is my downfall!
i can control what i eat! (or i could until this stupid binge purge thing happened) but even after all i've been through i STILL cant control my drink!
i thought i was better just because i wasnt necking down a litre of vodka and/or gin every day but i still make up for it in other ways! now its wine. endless streams of empty calorific wine!
just like my mother!
and so this may not be why i';m fat. but heck its one of the big factors!
i need to STOP this addiction with alcohol and i need top STOP the binging. i need to become what i once was. skinny, happy and in control! i never used to stray beyond 800cals drinks included! most days i barley ate 200! and i was so in control and never tempted!

and now look at me. a fat ugly cow who just binges on what she likes then has to force herself to throw up! i only fast and restrict so well because of all the guilt afterwards and force myself to excercise because i need to burn off the fat guilt! but it will never help! i'll only gain! and the sadder it makes me the more i'll drink to try and drown it out!
my too vicious cycles!
binge and purge
hate and drink

fuck!
it also doesnt help that i just found out my happy 200 cal dinner turns out to be more like 400cals because i cant even fuckin read the labels right! too good to be true i knew it! so that makes todays scoffings around 650calories. what a fuckin hefty fat lump of unecessary calories. i wasnt even hungry i was just eating for appearences! and now i'm drinking again!

what a fuckin loser!
this is all i am:

FAT

FAT!!

FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

first time blogger

first time blogger long time chatterbox!
so, how to start?
well this is mainly going to be my blog to get away from the real outside world.
somewhere where i can talk freely and openly.
about my eating issues, about my mental problems and about the things which mean a lot to me but would probably be unacceptable to the 'normal' society!

So i'm going to start off by saying i'm in a crappy-ish mood as i have only just woke up an hour or so ago and i've spent that time munching down 5 oat cakes and now i feel like a guilty fat pig! but i'm not going to purge because i'm really trying hard at the moment to not get into a bad cycle!
after watching an episode of torchwood though and the prospect of my recorded episode of supersize vs superskinny has slightly cheered me up! then it'll be quick room tidy, maybe a bit of artwork then the gym (yipee) where i'm gonna work off those oatcakes and compensate for the 60cals frozen yoghurt snack pot i'll probs will eat afterwards! I binged and purged on noodles, mini chedders, buttery bread and squares bars yesterday and am suffering the anxious fat guilt today! so today is gonna be a better day, i may take the dogs for a walk after my shower as well, its such a lovely day!!

well i think thats a pretty open first post! so yay finally blogged for once in my life :)
i'll leave some prety pictures of summery thinspo to give today a positive boost :)