fresh start!

everything feels like its going tits up atm!
i am not losing. in fact i have gaines 2lbs and i am not happy. i've lost an inch of the hips tho and have managed to fit back into an old pair of size 10 shorts! yippee all was well and good, i even died my hair to celebrate (Blonde with purple fringe!) yet today when i was bouncing to the gym feeling positive and pro week of little eating i stepped on those god damn fuckin scales :(

what a fuckin dissapointment. this is bad. i'm doin everything i can to lose weight. restrict and excersise and yes i've picked up the nasty bulimic habit but i'm tryin to get a hold of it and havnt been doing to bad. its my weekends when i binge the most thanks to my bf! he doesnt really eat properly or cook so its all ways take-aways or endless amounts of cooked breakfast courtesy of his flat mate. eurgh its horrible but if i totally refused he'd be on my case so i have to eat and then i lose all control or belief in myself and BINGE LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA! its disgusts me. and its EVERY! weekend.
i wouldnt mind eating with him at weekends if only it was more healthy. i can manage too days of maybe a few extra calories if i can stay very good the rest of the week. i know that if i can pin this i may see some results again.
so i've decided to try and find some yummy tea-time recipies which make a good meal for him but are still sneakily low cal enough for me and i can just eat half! it would be so much better!

i've been really good tho i havnt purged in about 4 days which has helped m,y throat heal a lot after my last sesh and have decided to make monday the start of better restricting and better weekends and a time to stump this bulimia baby before it actually gets out of hand! (i;m positive now but in truth its going to be a vicious battle against my depression and willpower!)

so far today i've had:

milky tea: 25cals

3 oat cakes: 105cals

bag of lightly salted popcorn: 48cals

vanilla yoghurt: 98cals

egg white salad with extra light french dressing: 100cals

frozen banana and yoghurt snack pot: 60cals

 total: 436 cals!

tonight at the most i'll probably have my selection of herbal teas: valarium (for sleep)

                                                                                                 green tea (for digestion)

                                                                                                 peppermint (because its yummy ^.^)

and maybe 2 oatcakes to nibble on which would bring my final total to 506cals.

i'd have preffered less but by eating these small meals/snack likes this throughout the day its made avoiding a binge a lot easier! instead of concentrating on the urge to binge i can satisfy my feelings with a small snack which i know wont have a massive impact on my total daily intake! i'm gonna try things like this for this week then jump on a soup and liquid fast next week if all goes well (i alternate fast days with soup only days)

went to gym today and ran through some awful gut pain but its all worth it! managed to burn
10mins cross trainer: 100cals
30mins treadmill: 300cals
situps: 40cals
toning: 25cals

so after my big rant and panicy wailing i will leave now to try and finish some art work for tomorrow and watch peep show :) (luckily i've got the morning of so ya morning walk!)

heres some arty pics people have done to express bulimia i use them as wallpapers and stuff to remind me just what i'll have to put  myself through if i give in to the binge!