eating out

the crapest of all crap things tomorrow i have to go out for lunch with my gran. and not just like sandwhich lunch but pub lunch. lunch lunch. which often means BIG lunch :( this basically puts a stick up the arse of all my plans :( what a load of crap! i love spending time with my grans but they always go to places with stuff like fish n chips or pie on the menu and where the idea of a salad is some old bagged stuff and couple of slices of cucumber and something that looks like onion but isnt! gargh!!!! balls balls balls!
i'm so friggin anxious right now. all i wanna do is comfort binge but i cant 1) because i couldnt face myself after that and would just break down more and mainly 2) i cant purge at this time of night or will be caught!
soooooooo i'm trying to take away the munchies with a bag of popcorn some green tea and am going to do a salt water flush in a mo! i am gonna work my butt off at the gym tomorrow! its so friggin irritating tho cus my stupid dislocating kness are aching like fuk! and runnings real bad for them.... but i know i'll still run through the pain because i desperatley need to lose this fat! good knews tho! finally started dropping weight again so *fingers crossed* it will keep going and i'm past this plateau!
hopefully i can keep up this no-binging thing going till my councilling sesh thursday at least so my councillor wont be on my case about it again and i can try and brush it all off. i regret ever saying it to her because now i'll be under loads guilt pressure and therapy to try and stop all this when actually i dont really want to stop.

i like not eating! it makes me feel empty and pure and clean inside. i like losing weight because it makes me feel good and i think i deserve that after a lifetime of shit! food is the enemy and i'm fed up of people telling me i have to stuff my face to stay healthy and alive! NO i dont!  i can still eat under the piggish amount of calories suggested and stay healthy and fit without stuffing my face with endless carbs and dairy!
yet the binging and purging! that just goes against all my wants and beliefs! its a crutch. but i cant let them take away my purging or else how could i live with my fat self????
i cant fuckin weight till i've moved out i'll have so much more control!
all of my sicknesses. they make me who i am. they shape me and control me! they ARE me! I CANNOT LET GO OF THEM.
gargh stress stress bloody stress.

today hasnt been too bad on the food front tho! have eaten:
milky tea: 25cals
small bowl of cereal with skimmed milk: 100cals
1 1/2 oat cakes: 52.5cals
weird mash thing: 90cals
quorn steak: 107cals
small handful of dried banana: 45cals
lightly salted popcorn: 48cals
                     total: 467.5 

at the gym. burned:
crosstrainer 10mins: 100cals
bike 7.5mins: 50cals
treadmill 63mins: 600cals
steppy thingy ma bob 5mins: 25cals
situps/ tonning amnd such: 100cals
                       total burned: 938cals < quite pleased with this! will try and do some elastic band excersices tonight also!

well now i'm off to drink some revolting salty water all for the sake of being thin!
its a fucked up life aint it!